“She must go!” Raises the roar from the Tory seats.

We’re about to be chained to the EU without any voting powers! We’ll be a slave nation, just as some people predicted a month before the election. It’s all Theresa May’s failing, off with her head! And so they meet in conspiratorial groups to quietly plan her ruin while bragging to journalists about the support they don’t have and things they can’t guarantee.

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If anyone has a sense of the 2016 déjà vu that’s presumably because the Conservative Party are re-fighting the EU election with themselves, and without learning a single lesson of how they messed it up last time.

Brexit is the first time in British democratic history that the manifesto turned up two years following the election, and we’re all told that despite the apparent imperfections this decision was binding, unchangeable, and must be upheld at all expenses.

Which is a little like having an arranged marriage with a man of Turkish descent who you’re told has both substance and humour, and hoisting the veil to see the groom is a gurning Boris Johnson.

As with the EU, they have acquired an illogical aversion to a thing they wanted, encouraged, and rebuked with doing all the hard stuff, and now they have decided it is time to defenestrate Theresa May, just as the EU arbitrators say a settlement can be done inside 6 weeks and she seems to have squared the circle of doing an especially disruptive thing rather smoothly.

And they’re using the same strategy as they did with the EU, blaming her of high-handedness, stupidity, distortions, unnecessary paperwork, and being anti-democratic, and to top it all they have absolutely no real idea what to do if they get their way.

Not a single scooby doo about who, exactly, will be smart enough to run things.

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Boris Johnson is a mad wheelie bin of confusion, scattering old pants and stinky chicken juices in his path. His international relationships have already created diplomatic trepidation, abandoned a British subject to an Iranian prison and managed to make the White House seem poised and thoughtful by comparison.

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You wouldn’t leave him and Donald Trump alone in a ball-pit, never mind give them nuclear weapons, and giving Boris Johnson the keys to Number 10 would be like holding a Black Friday sale in a brothel, a well-lubricated spree of quivering bellies.

Boris Johnson is interesting, but so are toddlers who are still struggling with their motor skills and continence. Which brings us to Lord Voldemort Rees-Mogg, who wants child abuse victims to bear the babies of their rapists, and thinks that 50 years is a moderate period of time to wait for national prosperity, and no doubt cleans his teeth with the rib bones of peasants who have offended.

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Under his tenure, Downing Street might not be plagued by desires of the flesh, but it would have to put up with strategies centred on investment funds, paperwork annotated in Latin and a nursemaid determining when it was the Prime Minister’s bedtime.

With Mogg in charge of Brexit, there’d be a border wall in Northern Ireland guarded by gamekeepers, fishing boats in the Channel crewed by Dementors and a police force composed of beadles, child-catchers and Dixon of Dock Green.

That might all float the boats of the Tory faithful, but Mogg could get Labour into power faster than reintroducing the poll tax of 1380.

After those two are knocked out of court, the Tories are left with the snake-like Michael Gove and Sajid Javid, a man tipped for the best post solely because his dad once drove a bus, although there was no evidence of whether he drove the bus well, or had any inkling about where he was going, or if his passengers yelled at his cornering.

If that’s the requirement to manage the country, Gove must be beating himself for being adopted by a fishmonger. A man proficient of Shakespearian conspiracy and who seems to be a version of Iago turned inside out in the wash, the best that could be expected of Gove is that he is a Snape-like double agent secretly working to save us all.

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But the Queen would abdicate before agreeing to watch him slurp tea every week. Tory MPs would freeze to death, Vladimir Putin would be allowed across the threshold and once Gove had access to the nation’s blood banks they’d be sucked dry.

If Brexit has been cocked up, it wasn’t Theresa May who did it. She’s arguably had a near-impossible job to achieve a referendum about a vision, extract a nation from 40 years of custom and legislation, and find a way to regulate our borders when our only land border with the EU has previously chosen not to have any restrictions on it.

Brexit was declared a failure by the same headbangers on the run from rationality who are currently chanting “Theresa must go”, and who fought for a thing without any thought about what to do once they actually got it.

And we have all been able to see that, once they had the thing they hoped for, they started to attack each other. They’ve wasted two years glutting themselves on each other’s soft entrails and are presently raising their gore-smeared faces to notice, with trepidation, that they’re beset by DNA evidence and eyewitnesses.

With 6 months to go until a Brexit which, fortunately for most of us, may well not make our lives much different, the vultures have started to circle above the heads of those who wasted millions and caused anarchy for so little purpose.

They’re now interlocked in a scurry for survival, sliding through each other’s bodily fluids in a struggle to shift the guilt onto someone, anyone, else. But if the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing repeatedly in the hope of a different outcome, then Tories Not Having Any Sensible Plan At All is like watching them hold a fireworks display in the Parliamentary basement, a party everyone else will dodge.

Boris (Boffin) Johnson and countless other fabulists have a lot to answer for. Hopefully, the day will come when they can all be rounded up and put in front of a court for misleading and lying to the public while in public office because they’re all a disgrace.

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